C Doo Dah's Chitter Chat: HNT- the nekked truth <$BlogMetaDatCa$>

Thursday, June 15, 2006

HNT- the nekked truth

Today I bare my soul, not a body part.

I am really sorry that I am being a bummer, so unlike the goofy giddy Doo Dah, but if you have read my blog for some time, then you will know the situation. Just as I think things are going better between he and I, because I really am trying, things go from good to bad in a millisecond.

I have recvd alot of emails about this, and I also notice that nobody comments on the blog when I am sour. Music is my soul, and when I am blue, it comes out in various songs that I know, my crying songs as I call them. I just cannot bring myself to blog anything positive or upbeat. Hell, I havent even blogged any photos lately. At one time, I posted a photo once a day. So, I attempted to do a few photos lately, and I cannot even get joy from that anymore.

So, sans the fake country fried accent, because most of you know I put that on just for kicks and giggles to make fun of where I live at the moment, I will try to talk. I really am not a country person, I was born and raised and lived in the city until I moved out here to the sticks 3 yrs ago.

I conversed with Memphis Steve a week or so ago on email, and he made alot of sense, from what I told him. This is partially clipped from that email, and I thought that I might put up that because it spilled so easily from me. I told him that I probably would do this. I just annot always find the words to express ME.

This is my second marriage. My first ended because he became a hateful drunk and then that escalated into abuse. Mental and physical. He kept me at home, only gave me how much money I needed to buy diapers and food, told me I was stupid and worthless. The bad shit always happened when the babies werent around, and it wasn’t too bad, a bruised upper arm where he liked to punch me, a cigarette burn on my theigh, a telephone upside the head causing bruised ear and slight chipped tooth, really no huge OMG SHE IS AN ABUSED WOMAN look to me. The one Saturday afternoon he sat on my chest, stinky drunk at noon, slapping my face and poking me in the chest with his finger, choking me in front of my 2 year old autistic son, I crawled to another room, dialed 911 and looked him dead in the eye and said YOU ARE SO FUCKING OUTTA HERE.

Ok, deep breath. Like, I really never ever tell that story. Being Catholic, I believed in til death do us part, and put up with alot many years for the sake of helping him. John Boy was something that I thought would help, be a family man. No, that ended up to be "stressful" and he had to "pull more weight at work" which meant more stress and more drinking. Ellie was a result of a drunken rape. I dont even want to get into that, because that happened more than that one time, so I would just lay there and get fucked and stare at the ceiling, tears in my ears. Do what I was told, no pain.

My current husband and I have known each other since 1982. He came to that wedding when I married the idiot. We had been friends for a long time through work. After my divorce, I went back to school, bought a little tiny house of my own and worked full time while raising the 2 babies. One day, he called me up and asked how I had been, he hadnt heard from me in a while. So we gabbed forever, caught up, laughed. We long distance dated for 6 months, I would fly to Memphis or he would fly to XXXXXX, then he finally asked me to move to this Godforsaken place and be with him. A 20yr pal, now a romance, a genuine good guy, never says the word fuck, everybody loves him, admires him, good job, good man, never raises voice, drinks but not more than 2 to 3 beers so has fun. Best friend. How could I resist?

He is a procrastinator, plain and simple. And beyond a penny pincher, he would actually try to squeeze blood from a turnup. He was a 40yr old bachelor, lived on his own, never married. I spoiled him, I guess, because I am a caregiver. A do-er. I am superwoman, cook clean single mom of 2 kids (1 being autistic) work full time furthering my education at night sitting on the washer/dryer at 2am studying because the noise/movement keeps me awake and I still spend as much time with my toddlers as possible in the bathtub and reading books and they cook and clean with me cause I make it a game. So I move down here and I end up spoiling him. He does nothing. Now he comes home, changes, shits, washes his face, grabs the paper, sits and waits on dinner, eats, watches tv til 11, wants sex when I drop from going nonstop since 5:45am.

Not that the sex is bad. After the first asswipe husband, it took me a while to be able to enjoy it, and he taught me well. Now, he seems to have reverted to goofy play, tickle, be weird, no love love love anymore. It is giggle giggle giggle. He says "mmmm, my sweetie". Never "I love you". I feel like we have gone backward in time. it doesnt feel like lovemaking anymore. I again am staring at the ceiling. He gets pleasure, I do not.

The move out here to the 20 acres has been fun, but we bought this big ole house with a lot of renovations to do, and here it sits, been painted inside, but that is it. Half done projects everywhere. Shit stacked up in every room still, 3 yrs later. He bushhogs the overgrowth from the previous owner, then jumps to another side of the property, and then it all grows back before he gets back to it. Same with the inside of the house. Everything is half done.

So, I sit here, working my ass off owning my own business, day in and day out. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. I am bored. We do NOTHING. It costs money, which needs to be shopped to death before a purchase made. Eat out? Costs money. To take me out, including birthdays and occasions, we need to see what coupons he has or gift certificates from vendors. Imagine asking your wife to pick a place to eat out on her birthday - only pick just from these coupon options.

And, the 5yr wedding anniversary (I have been living here 10, getting married was a procrastination too, I had thoughts that maybe I wasnt good enough to marry, then I think he just settled) was Apr 7, and as I told you then, and I tell you now, still no gift.

I am sad. I am getting fatter by the second because I eat to stave off depression. I now drink every night, partly to relax and partly to feel good. It seems to be the only time I smile. He rolls his eyes at me doing that lately, but I decide fuck off. I don’t wear makeup anymore, no need, dont go nowhere. Cut my hair, all of us, because he has no time to sit in line at a Supercuts for a $7 haircut and wouldn’t pay more than that to get an appt. Ellie's hair is butt length and straight, so I trim it too. Me - salon? You have got to be kidding. Cost is considered astronomical. So I cut it straight across the back and call it a bob.

I want a life. I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want romance. I heard an old song on the radio from when I was 13 at the roller rink, skating to couples in the moonlight. "Girl I know its been a while. Guess you'll be glad to know, that I learned how to laugh and smile" It made me laugh the other night because my very first crush and I skated to that song. My first kiss. Bobby! LOL so, I grabbed him and put my arms around his neck and I placed his hands on my hips, you know, 13yr old dancing, and just wanted to hold him close and sway and feel him against my body. He got all goofy as usual and made it a joke, humped and swayed fast and I just walked away and said forget it and poured another glass of wine.

He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. He doesn’t think of me, like what I might like for my birthday. My wedding ring, for example, we discussed it, he knew I wanted something a little different because that is just how I am, I am an artistic person. I wanted different, maybe square stone and my light green birthstones on the sides. I didn’t care the design, just make it different than anybody elses. I got a round 1 carat solitare, with diamond crusted bands on both sides very old fashioned and traditional, like our Mommas would have got. Its what HE wanted, not what I wanted.

Being Catholic, I really do not want another divorce. I wouldn’t want anything from him, cost wouldn’t be a factor in divorce, we would agree on things first then go to 1 lawyer. I did the rough one the first divorce. I have been depressed about this for years. Then we move out here to nothingville. I am lonely. I want to go home to XXXXXX. I hate Tennessee.

Ok, I have pounded on this keyboard long enough, I am probably boring ya'll to tears. Sorry. I just don’t know what to do, and this seems to be a place where people spill feelings, comments come back as to what I should do. I have been here since 1996 and I miss home more and more every day. I hate to uproot teenagers, now they have accents and move them back to XXXXX where they will be made fun of, then there is school. Half asssed edufuckingcation here in Tennessee, they would have to go back a couple of grades to catch up to the kids in XXXXX.

Mps Steve told me to go to counseling together. Thing is, I have tried to talk to him. He just doesnt think he does anything wrong, he thinks he is the perfect catch. It is his upbringing, he was the miracle child, the boy to carry on the name, he was told everything he did was wonderful and perfect.

Aw, I am ready to leave tomorrow, but you know the real kicker???? I dont want to hurt him. Doesnt that SUCK? he is such a good friend, that I cannot imagine hurting him. Even for the better of me.

So, I sit here and cry over songs that explain my feelings better than I can.


Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I had no idea that all that stuff happened, Doo Dah...that's awful. I can't sympathize with you over your first marriage (because I didn't go thru that) but girl, I see A LOT of me in you as far as your husband #2 goes...even down to the "drink every night, partly to relax and partly to feel good. It seems to be the only time I smile. I don't get shit-faced but still...I know it's not good for me. He, on the other hand, has not been working (I bet he hasn't worked more than maybe twenty hours in the past month) and is usually shit-faced almost every single night by the time I get home from work.

And I once suggested to The PK that we go to counseling and you know what he said to me? "Why should I go to counseling? You're the one with the problem, not me."

Enough already about me and The PK...I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you feel about your life (not that it makes it any better...but at least you know others are going thru it too). And I'll tell you what I keep telling myself (in my head anyway): "Life is too fucking short to be miserable....so quit bitching about it and DO SOMETHING."

Maybe one of these days, I'll take my own advice....

Best of luck to you...I know how tough this must be.

1:08 PM CDT  
Blogger Pittchick said...

You can go to counseling on your own, but it still probably won't change the situation with him. Do your children see what is happening to you? Children can be very perceptive, even if they don't mention anything.

Maybe you and the kids should get away for a while. Can you go to your parents or stay with a friend for a few weeks? Maybe get a different perspective?

I'm catholic too, but if I was that miserable. I would leave without a secong thought.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family.

1:16 PM CDT  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

And I got to thinking about how you said you post songs lyrics to express how you feel. I have a favorite song that applied from me to the PK (several actually) but the one that I think is most fitting is "Going Under" by Evanescence. Ever listen to the lyrics? Well, that's me.

1:16 PM CDT  
Blogger Silent One said...

I followed your link here from PQ's site... your comments there made me wonder. I am also bored today and have been wondering around bloggy land forever.

Alot of what you said.... is soooo ME! I am just thankful that I am not in some far off backwards state. I am just in Canada. Which sometimes is bad enough. LOL

Anyways.... so many of your thoughts and feelings are the same as mine. My Husband (Opie) does the exact same things day in day out... Everything except for the sex... Somedays I swear he has to be gay.

Talking about it here... is a good form of therapy. We can't tell you what to do... We are just the sounding board. My kids have finally noticed how boring their father is... they pick up on these things.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I too identify with song lyrics. When I am really down... I listen to the same songs over and over again. You can always tell my moods by the songs I am listening too.


p.s. I too drink at night... to try to relax and to try to lighten my mood.

Glad I stopped by here... I 'll be back.

1:40 PM CDT  
Blogger Al said...

I've been there, and it's a shitty place to be. I was married for 28 years to a paranoid schzophrenic. It got to the point where my kids came to me and asked me to divorce their mom.
I so clearly remember it being all I could do to get out of bed and go to work. I would tell myself "Well, you're going to have to get out of bed sometime, so it might as well be now. Doesn't mean you have to go to work, just get up"
"As long as you're up, might as well get dressed, because you have to eventually"
And so on until I could drag my ass out the door.
I always figure that you are where you are because you made the choices that got you there. If you dislike it enough, you will find a way to move on. When she started to actively do things to harm the kids and me, I threw her out and started divorce proseedings. I had tried to get her to get counseling and medication. She went to counseling one time, came back and said "All the people there are crazy."
Although I am not arrogant enough to say that I know just how you feel, I have been close enough to it that I can point to it.
Best of luck. Hang in there.

1:49 PM CDT  
Blogger Molly said...

awwww doo dah, although I love your happy, upbeat, bumpkin blogs ;), I enjoyed the look into your serious side.

Although I am not, and have never been, married I fear that if the relationship I am in now leads to marriage I may be where you are in 10 years, or even less....:( sigh

I'm sorry that your husband feels that the only thing he has to do to keep you happy is come home at night at sit on his butt. I'm sorry that you are not getting the love and attention that each and every person deserves. Most of all I'm sorry that you are bored with your life and situation.

I hope that you are able to find a way to be happy for yourself, with or without him.

2:50 PM CDT  
Blogger Fame said...

I have never been married so there is no advice i can give you. I have never been abused so there is no advice i can give you. I don't have kids so there is no advice i can give you. The only thing we have in common is being women and I will tell you this your life pisses me off to no end, knowing that 2 men have caused you such pain, self doubt and misery. Makes me sick. I'll be here to listen, I'll be here to support you. You sounded like me at the end of it. I didn't break up with my last boyfriend because I didn't want to hurt him, well in the process I was hurting myself. You'll reach your breaking point you will...kisses and hugs and prayers from a fellow catholic and woman!

6:48 PM CDT  
Blogger Blessed said...

You definitely didn't not bore me to tears. Your words pained my heart. I felt your heart ache and your pain. I am so glad you shared.
I am a person who believes in letting it out. I listen to music too and it is healing, makes me sad and then makes me happy. It can change my attitude for the better or worse. I don't want to sound corny, but I just want to hug you, give you support and let you know that even tho you don't know me, this stranger in blog world, I care. I wish you happiness, peace and contentment.
Many blessings my dear. Your words touched my heart.

9:04 PM CDT  
Blogger LocuTus of Borg said...

Why not what I was expecting for HNT. Well sending you lots of warm thoughts for this tough time you are going through. HHNT!

9:21 PM CDT  
Blogger Phain said...

Honey my heart bleeds for you. I see so much of me in you. I have allowed myself to sit in a loveless lifeless marriage for years only dreaming of the day I would find the courage to say goodbye. I was willing to hold off on any move "because of the children" - I didn't want them to suffer. But I sacrificed myself in the process. How can I be any good to my babies when I can't start by being good for myself? I stopped being "ok" with the status quo. I stopped being "ok" with the example we were setting for our children that it's normal for a Momma and Dadda to never touch, never caress each other, never laugh together. Is this what I want to teach my children that love is? A resounding NO. I am still scared - still terrified of what the future holds for them and for me. But one thing that I do feel confident about is that through this all - I will be better for them. I will be happy and healthy. I believe that one day I will find "him" - and I belive the fairy tale is real!

9:23 PM CDT  
Blogger Professor Fate said...

I can't apologize for wither man, because there behavior is inexcusable. I hate what some men do to women. I have come across the wreckage of too beautiful women whose self-esteem has been crushed. I know they can be so much more.

The only advice I can offer, if I was your husband I would want to know that you are not happy. Maybe concealing can fix it. Maybe be made aware of it, can fix it. And maybe nothing can fix it.

Happier HNTs.

11:34 PM CDT  
Blogger Kristi said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:19 AM CDT  
Blogger Kristi said...

I think you just need a friend.....
the rest will follow

12:22 AM CDT  
Blogger E.I. said...

Hi Doo Dah,
It was very nice to meet you in alexei's blog and to see your comment... Once I had copied pasted another blog on top of yours in template by mistake and ever since I was postponing the doodah copy paste..
I like the non accent (preferance)
It was a surprise after such a long time I sympathisize...
Please at least don't feel about yourself, I would pitty your husband but not you, I don't know... My mother has totally devoted herself to the family and husband, has no personal life of her own, at the wits of jealousy, difficult character of my father and this lack of personal life of hers along with quarrels has been a burden for me as I was growing up... If you see your life better than this, follow it. And I agree with professor fate..
Best of luck

8:24 AM CDT  
Blogger S* said...

Hi Doo Dah. I came here by way of Poody's blog and your post had my eyeballs glued to it. You certainly didn't bore me to tears. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through...I was in an abusive relationship (I didn't have the "battered woman look" either. Doesn't mean it's any less worse for us.)

All I can say is that I wish you much happiness and believe me, the universe will hear you and give you what you need.

9:22 AM CDT  
Blogger steph said...

hey doo dah, I also have an autistic child. I am a friend of Kristi's she thought I should check your site out. I think you need to re claim your self worth, you have been told sooo long by men that you are worthless that I think you believe it. Only another parent in your situation knows how heavy that the autism burden is. It alone is too much to carry, add a failing marriage...maybe you need to put something down.

1:47 PM CDT  
Blogger Leigh said...

*hugs* This is what your blog is for, vent away! My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and hang in there.

2:29 PM CDT  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

The only thing I can add to what I said before is that what you've described, the loneliness, boredome and frustration, is probably more typical of a long relationship than anything else. It's normal. It's why we make a committment in front of other people in a wedding, because our elders long ago knew that these exact sort of problems were going to come. Unless we are determined and supported in our committment by others around us we will pick up and leave, even if leaving isn't going to make things better like we usually think it will. I'm not saying it definitely won't. I'm just saying over the past 30 years people have been pushing the idea that divorce is no big deal and will fix problems in our lives like depression, boredom and loneliness. But all to often the reality doesn't support that. As often as not divorce doesn't fix anything, it just pushes it off for tomorrow. Meanwhile, others suffer for it. Even if your husband won't go with you to counseling I'd still recommend you look into it. You can't change others, but you can still find out things within yourself that are adding to your unhappiness. I think every one of us who is married is going to go through something similar to what you've described sooner or later, in some form or fashion. I know my parents did, but they made it through to the other side because they came from a stronger generation. And they each had support from friends and family who expected them to stick it out rather than advising them to pack up and go like we do these days.

There is an old joke, but it is true: Women marry men expecting them to change. Men marry women expecting them to never change. Both are going to be disappointed.

If it'll help, you might call me up. I mean, neither one of us is from here and sometimes just having someone to talk to, or to listen, can be a big help. Living in a town where none of your good friends or family are can make problems like these seem even worse because you feel isolated. And isolation just makes it all the worse because you look to your spouse to make up for all of the loneliness, which they can't entirely do.

I know I had some entirely different direction I was intending to go with this, but I've lost my train of thought and I can't seem to get it back on track. I hope what I've written makes some kind of sense. It's storming and I'm stir crazy. And somewhere about 40 miles north of here you are sitting in your house probably dealing with this same storm.

4:57 PM CDT  
Blogger poody said...

Oh honey, I have been busy the last few dyas and had no idea you were so unhappy. I grew up Catholic too. I am now over that bercause of the guilt and what you are going through now. Why satay ion a relationship that makes you miserable? Because some old farts who have never even been married tell you it is your burden? Bullshit! You are a smart woman capable of caring for yourself as well as the kids. Don't worry about them either. They will adjust. It is about you and how you feel. And honey, if you don't cum first then he don't get to cum at all! Rule #1. My last ex was the word incarnate of procrastination and laziness. He felt like he worked so fuck it. Never did anything that wasn't half assed. No fooolw through except for that cumming thing!I wish you could take some time off and get away by yourself. Come see me. We can have a good time in the capital city. OXOX sending love your way!

10:33 AM CDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there and thanks for sharing
Jason Kendall

7:28 AM CDT  

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