Answers - some anyway
Alot of comments (lengthy ones) and alot of emails. I REALLY appreciate all of your support. Amazingly enough, your words were different than I expected. And, to tell you the truth, getting it all out of inside of me was extremely theraputic.
So, to all of you, here are the answers to your many questions and observations:
He makes over 6 digits, so money isnt really an "issue" as he makes it. You would think we were dirt poor. That, and I own my Accounting Practice, which generates a nice income.
I have sat and talked and cried to him. He still refuses to see that he is anything but perfect. Never wrong. He actually blames me, he has decided that I suffer from depression (I think he has seen too many commercials on TV). Anything but to admit he could ever be wrong. When we do talk, or I implode, he will pick up the pace, get some things done. it lasts a couple of weeks at best, and then back to the same ole same ole.
When we talk/argue/discuss, he is so much better of a debater than I am. Ok, I am woman, I cry. I am an emotional creature. I also am the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, any emotion I feel is 10 times bigger than anybody else seems to. My mind races to answer or question or accuse. he can think so much faster than me in the heat of an arguement. he will always turn one word out of a sentence and make it not what I meant. I end up being the bad guy. And I ALWAYS end up saying, thats NOT what I meant, thats NOT what I said, quit twisting my words. So much so, that I even refuse to talk anymore.
Yes, my self esteem was broken down to nil with the first husband, Elmer boosted it up for a bit now it is back to nothing.
The kids - - - ok. They love him. He is the only real father they have known (no they have close to zero relationship with the drunk that unfortunatly is their biological father). Yes, they comment on my sadness and they come to me after hearing something and say "mom YOU were SO right". My daughter and I have glances like best friends do, she will look at me in the eye, knowing, and I look back.
They have both mentioned they want happy mom back. They both say they know I am sad.
I also notice that my son is developing habits of Elmer. He refuses to accept blame for anything, never says he is sorry. That bothers me, because I want him to be a good man when he grows up. Also, if he is suppose to help clean up the kitchen, he will pace around doing nothing, pretending to work but actually doing nothing.
Yes, I plan on leaving Monday for XXXXXX (back home) and spend a week or two with my parents and my best friend. The car is at the dealership today being readied for a 600+ mile trip, you know, oil changes, tires properly inflated, etc etc.
Happy Friday to you all, and THANKS. My heart overflowed with love from my blog pals.
So, to all of you, here are the answers to your many questions and observations:
He makes over 6 digits, so money isnt really an "issue" as he makes it. You would think we were dirt poor. That, and I own my Accounting Practice, which generates a nice income.
I have sat and talked and cried to him. He still refuses to see that he is anything but perfect. Never wrong. He actually blames me, he has decided that I suffer from depression (I think he has seen too many commercials on TV). Anything but to admit he could ever be wrong. When we do talk, or I implode, he will pick up the pace, get some things done. it lasts a couple of weeks at best, and then back to the same ole same ole.
When we talk/argue/discuss, he is so much better of a debater than I am. Ok, I am woman, I cry. I am an emotional creature. I also am the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, any emotion I feel is 10 times bigger than anybody else seems to. My mind races to answer or question or accuse. he can think so much faster than me in the heat of an arguement. he will always turn one word out of a sentence and make it not what I meant. I end up being the bad guy. And I ALWAYS end up saying, thats NOT what I meant, thats NOT what I said, quit twisting my words. So much so, that I even refuse to talk anymore.
Yes, my self esteem was broken down to nil with the first husband, Elmer boosted it up for a bit now it is back to nothing.
The kids - - - ok. They love him. He is the only real father they have known (no they have close to zero relationship with the drunk that unfortunatly is their biological father). Yes, they comment on my sadness and they come to me after hearing something and say "mom YOU were SO right". My daughter and I have glances like best friends do, she will look at me in the eye, knowing, and I look back.
They have both mentioned they want happy mom back. They both say they know I am sad.
I also notice that my son is developing habits of Elmer. He refuses to accept blame for anything, never says he is sorry. That bothers me, because I want him to be a good man when he grows up. Also, if he is suppose to help clean up the kitchen, he will pace around doing nothing, pretending to work but actually doing nothing.
Yes, I plan on leaving Monday for XXXXXX (back home) and spend a week or two with my parents and my best friend. The car is at the dealership today being readied for a 600+ mile trip, you know, oil changes, tires properly inflated, etc etc.
Happy Friday to you all, and THANKS. My heart overflowed with love from my blog pals.
"he can think so much faster than me in the heat of an arguement"
Makes me wonder if he's related to The PK. I always think of good things to say about an hour after the conversation/argument is over. It's like "Damn...THAT"S what I should've said!!!"
Anyway...so you're taking a little trip huh? Sounds like that may be the EXACT thing you need right now...to get away from the situation, step back and take a really good look at it.
Good luck, hon...and enjoy yourself!
Me again. I was just reading your two new posts and really was shocked. This is your HUSBAND? You should never have to think about DEBATING SKILLS with someone you love and who loves you.
Please please think long and hard about your happiness and what is best for you and your kids. You deserve to be happy.
I am very slow, when it comes to discussions in our home as well. I always kick myself hours later for not bringing things up. Hang in there my friend.
"Yes, my self esteem was broken down to nil with the first husband, Elmer boosted it up for a bit now it is back to nothing."
My oldest sister went though this. She was super depressed, but thought it was just because of her marriage not being what she wanted. It wasn't until her daughter tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with depression in a hospital that she was forced into a counselling session where they quickly and easily determined that my sister was also severely depressed. After she was made to sit down with a counselor and face her own internal issues did the depression end. That's why I say that you should go to counseling with or without Elmer. Whatever issues he has or the two of you have, there are always some issues inside of you that have nothing to do with the person you are with and that only you can fix.
People are fond of saying "you deserve to be happy" but then they'll tell you that leaving someone you love will bring you that happiness. What I'm saying is that all too often, unless the person you left is extreme, it will not. It will bring a short-term feeling of excitement from being in control of both his life and yours. But then whatever issues are inside of you will return, with or without another man in your life.
Before you make another move, find out what if anything is going on inside of you that could be adding to your feelings of loneliness and depression. Your self-esteem can't be entirely dependent upon another person. If it was smashed down by one man and brought up again by another, only to fall again over time, then something is wrong. I truly think you should talk to someone and just make sure that there isn't more to this problem, something that will resurface even after you've left him and moved on. Please think about what I've said. I know I'm no expert. And I certainly can't save you or force you to a counselor, but I feel strongly that the right counselor could help you a great deal with issues you may be carrying inside of you and not even realize it. Being raped and beaten by a drunken first husband isn't something that easily gets left behind when you leave him behind.
Too many things to say and no ability to put them into coherent thoughts and paragraphs so you get bullet points.
* People tend to learn their married roles observing their parents. Elmer may have been a very self-sufficient person. Once he was married, many of the things he did became the wife's job. His view of how spouses interact and relate do not correspond with your views.
* Marriage is about blending of expectations. There is not a right or a wrong. There is only preferences.
* When he gets pissed about be told he is acting like his father, you should just point out that if he doesn't like acting like his father he should stop. He shouldn't get made at you for calling him on his behavior.
* Why should you be hurt (and make your children unhappy and teach your son bad habits), in order to spare his feelings? He is not offering your feeling the same courtesy day in and day out.
* He may be perfect but he needs to deal with imperfect people (and an imperfect person as his wife). Being perfect is a curse. he still needs to give some if he wants the marriage to work.
* You may be in a technical sense depressed. Long term stress can lead to the chemical imbalance known as depression. That does not invalidate any of your feelings or observations. And to get undepressed requires more than medication it requires the help of your support structure - aka your husband.
* An talk or discussion about issues shouldn't be a debate. Arguments (fair arguments) should be a debate either. The should be an exchange of views. If he is not understanding (instead of being intentionally obtuse) then you may need to find a different way to explain you feelings. Spend some time and write him a letter. Take a week, two weeks a month. State the problem with the marriage. Be clear. If you can have others read it (to be sure you are clear). Don't argue any of the points (They are your feeling. They are not subject to negotiation or an alternate interpretations.).
* Seek professional counseling for the marriage or for yourself. Insurance should cover most of the costs.
* If he is unable (or unwilling) to change you need to prioritize what is important in your life. Yourself, kids, marriage, his feeling, the security of a big paycheck, ect, etc, etc.
Best of luck. I hope your time away brings you some peace and clarity and a respite.